


Withdrawal

by Icetor



Series: Drug au [2]
Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Animal Characteristics, F/F, It will take a while before they are happy, Modern AU, Panic Attacks, References to Drugs, Self-Harm, it's sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:48:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26218132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Icetor/pseuds/Icetor
Summary: Catra is off the drugs cold turkey, and it's taking a toll on her body. She still can't deal with the pain swirling inside her, and turns to the only way she knows how. CW self destructive thoughts, self harm, and panic attacks.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Series: Drug au [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904521
Comments: 7
Kudos: 49





	1. Withdrawal

**Author's Note:**

> Cw self-harm and panic attacks
> 
> I still don't know much about drugs but i did /some/ research so /hopefully/ it seems realistic and not like I'm using something shocking to add some value to the story. This first chapter is heavy, but there will be more, i promise, it's also a continuation of my other work, as I decided I wanted to write more in that world. but seriously don't read it if you are in bad headspace i know how that can be. 
> 
> Thank you to tshjortile for breaking through my pain to beta this.

Catra wakes with a groan, her guts still churning from throwing up again last night. Her head is pounding: her temples, the top of her head, the space connecting her temples, her teeth were sore … Her head is sore, let’s go with that, she decides, rolling over and clutching her head in her hands. Her stomach churns and she realizes just how little to eat she had yesterday, and that she had thrown it up over the course of the night. 

She checks her phone, the blazing screen sending fire through her head again, her migraine flaring. She briefly questions why her screen is so bright and why she had to choose a selfie of Adora with so many bright colors as she checks the time. 2:23 pm, the display reads and she groans, grinding her teeth, sending more pain through her head. Catra pointedly ignores the notification on her phone from her mother. She moves to sit up, suddenly aware of how much her back aches, like every vertebrae is upset with her. She stretches and pops it, doing little to resolve the pain, but the ritual brings her some small comfort even as her head screams in protest. She briefly thanks higher beings for blackout curtains as she tries to pull herself out of the bed. 

It has been a day or so since her and Adora had their little talk. She had agreed to go cold turkey on the drugs. The withdrawal symptoms are, to put it lightly, fucking killing her. She fumbles in the darkness of the bedroom, clutching for a bottle of over the counter painkillers that she knows are not nearly as useful because of her previous substance abuse. She pops four into her mouth, taking a long swig of water from a half full glass on her bedside table, ignoring the anxiety that turns her stomach into a pile of mushy knots from taking more than the bottle says to. She is ignoring a lot of things this morning, well, afternoon. Not her fault she can’t fucking sleep with the symptoms coming every few hours, while Catra already has enough trouble sleeping as it is. 

With a final push and a lingering feeling of discomfort of being nude she stands, breathing out in pain as her back and ribs strain against her skin. “Definitely slept on something wrong.” She mutters to herself as she opens the closet to grab a quick outfit. Hoodie and shorts. Her stomach turns again and she feels herself shudder head to toe. She bolts to the bathroom, dry heaving a few times, as the pain meds come back up. “So much for that shit”, she mutters, flushing her sick away and groaning as she struggles onto her shaky legs.

Catra turns the sink on and splashes her face with water before meeting her split gaze in the mirror. She glares at herself, the small red lamp on the counter silhouetting her face menacingly in the darkness of the bathroom. She starts to pick herself apart, pointing at all her flaws with her eyes, tracing the forms of her insecurities through the bulky sweater and over her messy face. She stares at the dark circles under her eyes, the way her figure tapers off too soon, the stupid cuts on the side of her head. Her brain buzzes with her anxieties, the mirror as torturous as when she ran her claws across her flesh. She peels the band-aids off the sides of her face. The angry red marks underneath are scabbed over and her ears twitch as she presses her finger tip lightly against them, pain shooting through her skull as she does. Her thoughts darken as she picks at them, her claws flexing as she thinks about just what else she could do to her body. Slice up her thighs, tear her arms to pieces, cut open her throat for good. She feels sweat bead across her skin and start to pool in the fur in her lower back. She shivers despite the sweat. Her breathing begins to pick up as she stares down her offensive reflection.

_ It’s your fault. Your fault that you are like this, that you want to tear yourself to pieces just because you can’t cope without your fucking substances. Your fault that Adora looks at you with pity. She probably secretly hates you, just playing along because she feels like she has to. Because she knows what you would do if she was gone. Because she doesn’t hate you enough to die, and couldn’t live with the responsibility of knowing you killed yourself over her.  _ She can feel her breathing getting heavier, turning into panting as she confronts her reflection.  _ Adora isn’t here to stop me this time. I could do anything to myself. She wouldn’t even have to know. It could be my secret. Does she care? What would she do if she found me dead? Maybe it would be a load off of her, not having to take care of her shitty girlfriend anymore. And if not she’d get over me eventually, maybe after just a few weeks, it’s not like I’m worth anything or contribute to her life in any way. She says she loves me but how do I know? I know i’m unlovable. Adora's just fooling herself.  _

Catra doesn’t remember tearing her shorts off, or even holding her claws over her body like she is hesitating. She does remember the pain, the searing hot slice in her inner thigh, and the rush that came after. It’s like her migraine is gone for a few blissful moments, like she has her drugs again, her head just fuzzy as she slashes again and again, more and more tiny shreds covering her thighs as the stench of blood settles underneath her nails. She’s bleeding, she  _ knows _ , she can feel it trickling down her thighs. Her hazy brain breaks and she realizes all too vividly that this is more than she can hide. For one, her panties are ruined, covered in her blood, still seeping. She pauses her motion to watch the marks bleed, more buzz filling her brain as she does.

She shakes her head, trying to clear her intrusive thoughts and clean herself up. If she is quick and smart she could still hide this. She can’t let Adora see this. Can’t take that look in her eyes. She doesn’t want to feel the burning shame in her stomach that makes her wonder if she is going to throw up again. A blur of rubbing alcohol stinging in tons of cuts and bandaging follows. Luckily she has  _ some  _ control; nothing needs stitches. 

Satisfied with her work, she slides off the mangled underwear and tosses them in a plastic bag with the rest of the garbage from her bandages. She ties it shut, poking her head out of the bathroom to make sure Adora is still nowhere to be found before moving into the bedroom to find some clothes that will hide the bandages. She settles on a pair of sweatpants and a fresh pair of underwear, groaning a bit as she slides them on, her thighs stinging. 

Catra takes a deep breath and runs a hand through her hair, damp with sweat, shuddering deeply from her core. If she was tired before she is exhausted now, her emotions fried like thousands of destroyed nerve endings. 

It’s then that the door to the apartment swings open, causing a panicked swear and a tossing of a plastic bag into the closet. 


	2. I'm not lying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a bit to get out! I had tshjortile go over it twice so thank you so much sweetie it helps so dang much.
> 
> Cw cigarettes

Catra’s heart drums in her ears as Adora calls out a greeting to her. “Catra? You awake?” Her voice is soft and unintrusive.

She doesn’t want to wake Catra if she has finally managed to get some sleep. Adora knows how hard the withdrawal is hitting Catra, and more than anything wants to stay by her side for every second of it. However, someone has to pay the bills and her awful job isn’t going to do itself. 

“In here!” Catra calls, cursing the panic that edges into her voice. She takes a moment to drink the rest of her water, swallowing loudly as she tries to push tears she didn’t know she was holding in back down her throat. 

Adora pokes her head in and smiles happily when she sees that Catra isn’t just up but dressed and looks determined. _She must be hurting so much, I’m so glad she’s holding on._ “You’re up! How are you feeling?”

“To put it lightly … Fucking terrible.” It’s not a lie, and Catra doesn’t have to hide the shame and pain in her voice as she says it. Adora tilts her head and there’s that look that Catra can’t stand. Like she’s a kicked puppy that Adora has to save. She can’t even bring herself to think that she can take care of herself though. She hates just how much she needs Adora.

Adora grins, holding up a shopping bag. “I got stuff for dinner! How do you feel about fish tacos?” Catra’s stomach gurgles loudly and she is reminded that she has lost just about everything she put in her body. Simply put, she is starving. 

“Sounds fucking perfect.” She can’t fight the smile tugging on her lips as Adora giggles at the return of her girlfriend’s appetite. She feels her chest burn with shame as she enjoys the moment, knowing that she went behind her back like she did.

“Alright, I’m just gonna take my work stuff off then.” Adora says, prompting Catra. She’s still standing in front of the closet after all. Panic works its way into Catra’s veins, her heart hammering in her chest. She searches Adora’s light blue eyes for any sign she gave herself up already. She lightly pats her hands on her thighs trying to discreetly check if she started bleeding through her pants.  
“Uh, like right now?” She stalls glancing around the room to pull away from the deep blue piercing gaze. A devious thought crosses her mind as her legs twinge in pain. Trying to remain cool, l she leans against the closet door. “Cuz like, if you want to get undressed, I’m not stopping you.” Adora scoffs and rolls her eyes, trying to shake the feeling Catra was hiding something from her. Her therapist keeps telling her she needs to trust her significant other. ”Well I’m not going to do that…” Adora starts with a smirk “Because we both need to eat, and I have a feeling that I won’t be doing much cooking if I get undressed in front of you.” Catra glups, looking Adora up and down with a small nod. “So? Can I … change?” Adora motions to the closet again. 

Catra feels her heart wrench in her chest, blood pounding in her ears. “Why don’t I pick something out for you?” Catra blurts loudly and suddenly. “T-there’s an outfit I want to see you in.” Catra is lying through her teeth but if it keeps Adora from the closet then it’s worth it. With a shrug Adora turns out of the bedroom and toward the kitchen.

“Um, okay, just leave it out for me and I’ll change into it.” Adora calls as she turns back to the kitchen and starts humming a quiet tune. She grabs a cutting board and starts dicing tomatoes and onions while she heats a pan. 

Catra puffs out a sigh of relief and realizes with a start that she is going to have to get rid of the evidence before Adora changes. She chews on a claw, her tail swishing pensively behind her as she tries to keep her thoughts steady. She doesn’t like hiding things from Adora. She really doesn’t deserve the dorky blonde. 

Straining her ears to make sure she can hear if Adora is coming, she opens the closet and grabs the plastic bag, gripping it tightly as she looks around the closet for a cute outfit that she could play off as something she wanted to see Adora in. It proves easier than she thought. Adora looks cute in just about everything. She keeps it simple, picking out Adora’s favorite jeans and a red blouse. The jeans are nothing special barring the fact that Adora loves them. Just her comfy wear, she won’t question the decision. The blouse is a bit fancier than what Adora would normally wear after working a shift. It’s a deep shade of red that makes Catra’s blood look blue. It has some simple details, black lace cuffs, black buttons, that sort of thing. Catra does so love the way it hugs Adora’s stomach tightly. With a quiet sigh for her deception, Catra slips out and shuts the door.

_ Okay, great, now what?  _ An intrusive thought asks. Catra shakes her head, trying to clear it. God, she could use a cigarette right about now. Adora doesn’t like that she smokes, and truth be told, doesn’t know just how much Catra smokes, but she won’t say anything if the magicat claims it’s helping with the withdrawal symptoms. 

It is then that inspiration strikes, an idea forming that combines all of her needs into one. “Hey Adora!” She calls, a deceptive sweetness in her tone. “I’m gonna go smoke, mind if I gather up the trash while you cook?” She asks, stepping out into the hallway and then the kitchen as she talks. 

“Catra, you know you should kick that hab-”

“I know, I know, but it’s helping with the withdrawal.” Catra explains. It's not a lie, she isn’t lying. That’s what she tells herself.

“...Oh well, i guess that makes sense. One thing at a time, right?” Adora smiles. It seems to her that Catra is taking the habit kicking seriously. Adora quickly lists the garbages that need changing and Catra nods along, smirking smugly. Adora will be none the wiser. A few bag replacements later, the evidence is stashed deeply in one of the other garbage bags and Catra is hauling them to the apartment door. 

“Be back in a flash!” She calls, a cigarette already in her mouth as she pulls the door open. She starts out and down the stairs, without waiting for a reply. She stops only to light her cigarette once she’s out the door, breathing deep as she feels the nicotine hit. 

Catra drags the bags to the dump, not putting in the effort to carry them properly. She finishes her cigarette by the time she gets to it, tossing it on the ground and lighting up another one right away. She just said she is going to smoke, not how much. It’s not a lie. She tosses the bags in the dumpster with a soft “hup!”, ears flattening as they thump loudly into the bottom of it. “Stupid dumpster.” She growls, voice raspy from the smoke. She starts back, a cool breeze rolling in from the North side of the parking lot. She stops to let it blow through her hair, enjoying the night air. She finishes her second cigarette and pops the box open automatically before stopping. Adora will notice if she finishes the pack, won’t she. Catra sighs, eyeing the last four cigarettes. One more won’t hurt. 

  
  


Adora has fixed dinner beautifully, smiling and bubbly the whole time. She wants everything to be perfect for Catra, she wants Catra to know just how grateful she is that the brunette magicat is trying to get clean. The blonde girl has worked tirelessly, pony tail bobbing up and down as she sets the table, cooks the food, changes her clothes, and even has time to scroll through her phone a bit. It is a productive night! Catra sure is taking a whi-

Catra’s key unlocks the door just as Adora is about to start worrying, her smile returning full force as the other girl stalks in. “Hey! Thanks for taking the garbage down by the way!” She calls meeting the magicat’s split gaze. A smile hits Catra’s face and Adora can’t remember how to breathe. She really cares for her. A lot. Like, a lot a lot. She loves Catra. She is staring and Catra’s smile grows into a smirk. 

“See something you like, princess?” She asks, putting a hand on her hip, her tail lashing around playfully behind her. 

“Soooo many things” Adora teases back, broken out of her stupor to finish serving the food. “Hope you are hungry~!” She calls, plopping down and immediately digging in. Catra rolls her eyes and sits across from her, happily snatching a fish taco up and devouring it. 

“So” Catra starts, mouth still full of food. “You want to go on a date?” Adora feels her face flush a bit. It’s a spur of the moment thing she has blurted out to help Catra see how the substance was affecting her. 

Adora chews and swallows before answering, manners all the way to her core. “Well, um … We don’t hav-” 

“Nonsense.” Catra cuts her off cleanly. “You’re right, it has been a while since we went on a date. We … We should do something.” Catra isn’t the romantic type, or at the very least will never admit it. She has no ideas for dates, but she does notice the longing look in Adora’s eyes whenever she slunk off to see her guy or see her other friends. 

“I don’t suppose you have any ideas, do you?” Adora asks with a knowing smirk on her features. Catra presses her lips into a thin line as she swallows the food she was chewing. Adora giggles at the sight. “Weeeeell, I think I might have a few ideas…” She tralis off, a teasing tone in her voice. 

“Adora…” Catra growls warningly but there is no bite to it. She’s smiling and her tail is pleasantly swaying back and forth behind her.  _ Things are getting better. Maybe. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment and tell me what you thought! I am trying to improve my writing so criticism is welcome

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everybody. I've been going through a really rough time and my fiancee recently broke up with me. It's really painful for me to write this fic right now so until further notice this is going to be the last chapter. I hate to do this because I do have more ideas but it's too tough right now. I might try to do some lighter writing here and there but I am putting this on the shelf for the foreseeable future I just wanted to let everyone know. Thank you for reading and thank you for your kind words I'm glad I had the guts to get over my hang ups and write this.


End file.
